Day 56- sadness meditation

“Crying is one of the highest devotional songs. One who knows crying, knows spiritual practice. If you can cry with a pure heart, nothing else compares to such a prayer. Crying includes all the principles of Yoga.”
― Kripalvanandji

It could be PMS, it could be post-holiday blues, it could be that I have eaten too much wheat… I just feel sad. I suffered from depression from about the age of 15 until very recently, just before I turned 25. The only thing that changed? I took the contraceptive rod, Implanon, out of my arm as it is said to exacerbate mental illness. For the first time in nearly ten years I was not taking a regular form of contraception and for the first time in almost ten years I was no longer being followed around by a big black dog. In the depths of the worst of my despair, I had felt unspeakable loneliness, isolation, deep heartache, anxiety, emotional breakdown, as though a storm cloud was forever building in my head and if it rained, I could cry uncontrollably for hours and if it was just cloudy, my entire brain would be useless as I wondered around my life despondent and apathetic.

How do I know that this isn’t depression creeping its way back in? Well, it feels different. I have heard people say that they get attacks of the “sads” or the “blues” and that they just get on with it. When I felt depressed, it was more than a case of blues, it was more like a case of the blacks and from that pit of despair there was no possibility of just “getting on with it”. The cloud of isolation makes you feel completely handicapped. Breathing is difficult, speaking is more than a challenge and the basic mechanisms of life are impossible. Today I am just sad.  I can easily get on with it. I talk endlessly on the phone with my cousin, laugh, and generally forget that I am sad until the invariable moments waiting for the kettle to boil when that empty feeling in the core of my being comes bubbling back up.

I look up sadness meditation on the internet and find a few different sources. It seems I can turn this experience into a meditation.

According to http://www.leben-sterben.de/sadness_meditation.htm, sadness is an opportunity to enter yourself more deeply. Emotions are always feared, so rather than pulling away from the sadness, meditating on it and embracing it allows one to come through it and feel lighter on the other side. I sit down by myself and take deep breaths in and with each exhale, let out a groan. With every exhale, I release and let go. Eventually I am crying. It comes naturally and I don’t allow myself to justify my tears with any reason. I just know I am sad and need to let it out. Eventually I grow quiet and I feel a single tear roll down my cheek. I wrap myself in a hug and close the meditation.

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