Day 72- slave to my shadow

I love moments of synchronicity. I am writing an email to one of my closest friends about our travelling and career options. One of the many things we write to each other is how lucky we are to have been born into lives that allow us to have so many choices. We can do anything we choose and nobody can stop us. Except for perhaps ourselves. I also write about my desire to give up drinking this year. I want to do it now, but I question whether I am ready. I don’t drink to get drunk but even a glass or two of wine leaves me feeling sick and closed off from myself. When I flew in to Bali on Friday night, I had more than a couple of glasses of wine and two days later I still feel awful. I ask myself if today is the day I am going to give up drinking, but I don’t have the courage to say yes because I am afraid to let myself down. Can I really make sure that I never have another glass of wine? What do I miss out on if I give it up? What do I gain if I do have one? What will happen if I let myself down?

I lie down on the cool tiles and stare up at the Balinese Hindu blessing hanging above the door. It is a picture of a god standing over a snake-like demon, like Archangel Michael slaying the devil. The symbol of lightness triumphing over the dark. I don’t know if the world is made up of such black and white dualities, however I can feel that struggle within myself. The desire to enjoy a glass of wine is also an attachment to my freedom to choose to drink wine. As I meditate on this small white flag swaying in the breeze, I come face to face with my higher self. The I within is full of love and forgiveness. The I that is true self is not attached to wine and doesn’t know the name of Madame Clicquot. That I is the light and my shadow lies in the dark. Today I feel free to choose not to drink wine. Today I am not a slave to my shadow.

When I come back to my laptop, a friend has posted this quote and the beauty of the synchronicity almost brings me to tears. A small message of encouragement from the universe:

You’re lucky if you can pursue your dreams without having to ward off government interference & corporate brainwashing & religious fanaticism. But that’s only partly useful if you haven’t yet won another right, which is the freedom from your own unconscious obsessions & conditioned responses. Becoming an independent agent who’s not an unwitting slave to your shadow is one of the most heroic feats you can accomplish.
Rob Brezney

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