Day 75- writing to myself

I feel heavy. My limbs feel weighed down, my eyelids are blinking slowly and my heart feels heavy. I slept for ten hours, so it isn’t exhaustion. I just feel low and tamasic. In yoga we learn that there are three states of energy that we experience called the three Gunas. Rajas, Tamas and Sattva. When we are experiencing rajas, or feeling rajasic, we may feel hyper-active, easily frustrated, angry, restless and over-excited. In Tamas, it is the feeling of inertia, heaviness, pessimistic, dull or lethargic. Sattva is the balance, the feeling of lightness, clarity, harmony and contentment. Consumption of alcohol and unhealthy foods causes tamas to dominate, dulling the mind and depressing the senses. I feel like gravity is about ten times stronger than usual. I did not drink last night, so I know I am not just hungover, but rather suffering the long standing energetic effects of drinking. As much as I don’t want to get up, I make myself sit up on the edge of the bed with the feet planted on the floor. Often, when we feel depressed it is also about feeling ungrounded. I play a short meditation track for depression that is just the repetition of affirmations; “I am solely responsible for my happiness and I choose to be happy…”

Finally I come to the floor. I have no yoga mat with me so I start to practice on the cool tiles. I am surprised by how easy this actually is. Even backbends, lying on my stomach, I would expect my hip bones to be digging into the hard floor, but it is like my bones are soft and malleable. I move through my entire practice without a yoga mat because that is just life. Sometimes reality is hard and cold but if you soften yourself, then who says you need a soft cushiony mat to protect yourself? I cool down quickly in Savasana, laying on the cool tiles and I stay there for a while, sitting within.

Yesterday I bought myself a card. Now I sit down and write to myself. From my higher state of being, my true self writes a note. I plan to keep this card and open it after India. I can’t even be sure I know what I wrote, since I was still in a meditative state when I wrote it. I just know that it is comforting and loving and I wrote it with “freedom for the full expression of my personality” (Mahatma Gandhi).

I am not feeling so heavy any more.

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