Day 180 – moping around

I am sick, there is no denying it now. I wake up with a sore throat so I go to the chemist on the way to work and buy some cough medicine and throat lozenges. I also get an immunity juice and some soup to have for lunch. I try to eat a pastry thing with cheese and spinach but it just tastes bland and kind of like medicine. I have three layers of clothing on and I can’t even unfold my arms because I am so cold. My boss keeps opening the front doors of the pub and as soon as he walks away, I close them. I tell him sorry but I am freezing cold, despite my merino wool jumper, because I am sick. He said he wondered why I was moping around. Moping around? I guess I have been leaning onto things for dear life. Eventually I have to go home early, I can’t even keep my eyes open. I have a couple of hours until my yoga class. I know I can’t get anyone to cover it with such late notice. I get changed and have a short nap but I don’t feel any better until I get to the yoga room. There is something about the energy of a yoga room, like all the om’s, the mass consciousness and the peaceful namaste’s have created a vibration that can heal and comfort. As soon as I step into the room, I feel ok again. I feel like I am prepared to teach. It is a relaxing ‘flow and let go’ class, so we move slowly in a mandala and end the class with seated meditation. When we all come out of the meditation I am pleased to see the students with glazed eyes, looking comfortably yoga-stoned. This is what I aim for when I teach. It is a pleasure to see them looking so rested. As for me, I feel a little better-rested and a little bit more relaxed. Unfortunately, by the time I get home and fall into bed, I am hit by a crazy fever and severe agony grips my throat. I fall in and out of sleep all night as my dear mum makes me soup and ginger tea. I guess now I have finally stopped. I ran myself into the ground and now I am sicker than I have been in years. I need to rest and restore and not allow myself to feel guilty about it. I always say I can handle a running or blocked nose but a sore throat is agony. As I slip into an uncomfortable sleep, the fever raging, it is like a fire burning from within. I hope it burns away whatever it is inside of me that needs to die. Sometimes we need to burn out and down and then come out of it healthier and happier. Maybe I ran myself into the ground because I was trying to run away from my past and my guilt. I was trying to keep so busy that I didn’t have time to think about what I have left behind and who. I didn’t have time to miss my ex, or miss India, or worry about the future. I was just so busy trying to make the most out of the now! But I did get the warning in the dream. It was a clear message to stop and I didn’t listen so now I am in bed, burning from the inside.

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