Day 203 to Day 211 – moving out and on

Day 203 – knowing when to let go

It is never easy to break up, but it seems that when girls break up with friends, it is never without a few tears. It is almost like courtesy, like an offering. I can’t be your friend anymore but here is some clear liquid from my eyes. It isn’t anybody’s fault- nobody wants to seem bitter or angry. Usually girls fall out in a bitchy fight over something that was said or about a boy. This girl is different. She says we are too stressful for her and she doesn’t need the drama in her life. Krystle and I aren’t really sure what she means. We are both quite highly strung so what stresses out our friend Kelly doesn’t seem like a big deal to us. What makes Kelly cry only gets a shrug and a laugh from us. We understand the cyclical and ever-flowing, ever-changing nature of the universe. Kelly is ex-military so her way of thinking is completely different from ours and we have come to a point where we have to part ways with love. I don’t argue or try to change her mind. The true nature of selfless love is knowing when to let go.

Day 204 – pranayama class

At Yogatime, the teachers are now bringing a focus into certain classes and posting that on the facebook page. Today it is my turn so I have offered a pranayama class. We begin with simple breath regulation:

Extending the exhale for twice as long as the inhale, I invite the students to breathe in for 3 seconds and breathe out for 5-6 seconds. When they are comfortable with that, they extend the inhale to 4 seconds and the exhale to 6-8 seconds. Eventually they will be breathing an inhale for 5 seconds and an exhale for 10 seconds. This means that instead of breathing for the usual 12-18 breaths per minute, they can slow their breath rate to only 4 breaths per minute. The sages say that before each soul begins a lifetime, we are given a certain quota of breaths. This defines how long each person shall live. If you save 14 breaths per minute, the idea is that you can live longer. For example, small birds that breathe extremely rapidly live only a few years, whereas a turtle that breathes slowly, less than once per minute, lives over a century. It is hugely underestimated how much the breath can improve life. Simply noticing the breath, becoming aware, keeps us in the present moment. When we are overthinking or stressed, it is the breath that immediately suffers. It gets short, shallow and moves up into the chest. Although the lungs do actually sit in the chest it is better to use diaphragmatic or abdominal breathing. Most people only use the top third of their lungs and breathing in that space stimulates the sympathetic nervous system, the fight or flight mode, releasing massive doses of the stress hormone cortisol. This causes anxiety, insomnia, stress, skin conditions, over-active appetite and poor concentration. Unfortunately, fast-paced city life has us living in this fight or flight mode constantly. It takes awareness to bring us back to a calm and centred breath rhythm. The best way to do this is to pay attention to where the breath is happening and then use the belly to breathe. Once the belly is expanding on the inhale and contracting on the exhale, the muscle that lies below the lungs, (the one that is actually intended for breath), the diaphragm, is working.

Through the class, we incorporate Lion’s Breath, Wood Chopping Breath and full horizontal stretch to feel the lower ribs expanding into the floor, practicing diaphragmatic breathing. To finish, we do my favourite: Nadi Shodhana, the alternate nostril breathing. This balances Ida and Pingala, the Yin and Yang of the body. Ida and Pingala are flowing rivers of energy that spiral around the central channel, Sushumna, which travels up the spine. The lunar Ida, the left side is feminine, it is the yin, the calm side. When the left nostril is dominant (more open), we may be about to sleep or just woken up, or in a very relaxed state. The Pingala nadi, the right side, is solar, masculine, energy. When we are active, agitated or excited, the right nostril will be more open. The nostril changes dominance every 90 minutes. My yoga teacher in India claims one only needs four hours of sleep; two hours for each nostril.

By the end of the class I realise how much information there is to share about breathing; I have only just touched the surface. There are so many more breaths to be taken…

Day 205 – Just another Tuesday

It would be a lie if I said this day was truly like any other. This week I have taken the time off from work to just focus on teaching yoga. One of the other girls is away so we are covering extra classes and this afternoon I am teaching two classes, back to back. I go for a run in the rain, checking the weather. I believe when it says clearing that I will end my run in the sun. Unfortunately the rain seems to be feeling rebellious and it starts pouring down the hardest as I come back towards home. My spray jacket proves how non-waterproof it really is, but when I get home the success is that I have run 10km in much the same speed as I did in the Sydney Harbour 10k Race! I haven’t been able to get to that speed in ages, but it seems the rain gave me motivation to want to get back home! I keep stressing out, thinking I am still in a hurry and that I still need to rush to get somewhere or do something. I don’t think it has sunk in just yet that I can focus on yoga. Tomorrow I will even get to practice a class! I remember being at classes every chance I got and now I rarely step into a yoga room unless I am teaching. I think the justification is always that since I am a yoga teacher, I can teach myself but I never quite push myself out of the comfort zone on my own… And life begins at the edge of the comfort zone. That’s why I run faster in the rain.

Day 206 – cracking open my heart 

I lower myself back down from the fifth back bend, Wheel. I am hot and tired. I wish I had not done the sprints before class, but here I am in Misha’s Progressive class at Yogatime. Everyone is in the mood for backbends but I need to teach the next class and I know that backbends always lead to massive energy shifts and can seriously affect us emotionally so I am a bit nervous and try to just take a step back. I take a rest from another backbend. I can feel my heart cracking open as I rise up for another one. This time it is like an explosion, like a wall being broken. A wall is broken. That wall that I built around my heart, one brick at a time. Each time I felt disappointment in a relationship, I got out a trowel and put another brick down. Now that has just been bulldozed and as we go to the wall for handstand to realign the spine, I can feel the energy pouring down into my head and out into the ground. The dust of that wall falls away. In Savasana I can’t stop crying. In silence, I wipe away the tears. Finally, I can admit to myself that I am vulnerable. I am not made of stone and steel. I can pretend to be, but inside, there is a softness and a sensitivity and there are still wounds that need to heal. I know that if I saw my ex fiancé, my heart would still skip a beat. I know that when I see my dad, I feel guilt that I don’t spend more time with him. I know that despite my never-ending optimism, my ability to laugh it off and see the light in any situation, that I can also allow myself to feel pain and sadness. Those darker times just make us ready for even brighter times.

As I begin to speak to the next class, I am surprised to hear my voice is shaky. All of that energy that has shifted and exploded from my heart is still bubbling away and I have to take a moment in silence before I speak again. After class I eat with a friend and then take a moment in my car to just be with myself, to hug myself and just allow the dust to fall away. Another pivotal step in the journey.

Day 207 – the universe will provide

By some twist of fate, the money for the bond of our new apartment has not transferred and is still stuck in banking limbo. I am running around like a mad lady, picking up pay, counting out my tips and separating coins. It is just enough to cover the holding deposit. I spent my whole childhood feeling my mother stress about money and always told myself that I wouldn’t be like that. I just feel like if I put faith in the universe, know that abundance will come and just allow the energy to flow, then I will always have enough. I have never felt poor. Even with nothing, I have had an amazing life and feel like I have never had to miss out on an experience because of money. As we sign the lease, I am aware that I have no full time job. I am teaching yoga, working sporadically and yet here I am, signing over every dollar I have to move into a beautiful little art deco apartment in Coogee. I have faith that I will get the perfect job for me. I trust the universe to provide.

Day 208 – get yoga stoned

We have moved! It takes us all day but we move beds, the fridge, the boxes, clothes… The new apartment is beautiful. The morning sun shines in the windows and the floorboards stay warm all day. I can’t even remember the last time I had a room of my own. I have my own space. I have my own bed. I feel settled and ready for this new life. Our unit number is unit one. This means new beginnings, which is quite appropriate for this period of drastic change in my life. New job, new home, new friends… I love change. When everything is changing like this I feel like I am in the flow and things will just all fall into place. I have to leave Krystle setting up her bed while I go to teach yoga. Friday night’s Flow n’ Let Go class is one of my favourites to teach. I get to slow the pace down, play relaxing music and watch the students get nice and loosey goosey. By the end of the class, a short meditation, I love seeing everyone open their eyes lazily and look around from that place of peace and calm. “Yoga stoned?” I ask and they all nod. Ah, the natural high of yoga. I used to do a Yin Yoga class every Sunday afternoon and then go straight to work at a cocktail bar in the middle of Kings Cross. Everyone thought I was getting stoned because I was so relaxed and my eyelids would be a little droopy. That is true yoga, the union, the balance, the stillness, the natural high. If you walk away with only one thing from my yoga class, then I hope it is your sleepy smile.

Day 209 – to each his own

Some people eat meat and some don’t. Some people like AFL and some like League. Some people want to get married and have children. Some do not. The older I get, the more sure I am that I never want to eat meat again, that I will never understand AFL and that I don’t want to get married and have children. And the funny thing is, this seems common among women. It is usually men that still want the traditional lifestyle. I remember watching a documentary about relationships and it said that marriage was initially created as a contract of ownership. As humans evolved, they initially began living together in small groups of ten so women only had one or two options to procreate as they would instinctively go for someone who was not a direct relation. This ensured the survival of the species. As the groups got larger and humans began living together in groups of one or two hundred, then it became possible for a female to procreate with multiple partners within her monthly cycle. On a primal level, males needed to ensure that their own DNA was the one being passed down and so, in order to keep the women under the control of a single male, the contract of marriage was created. I always said I never wanted to get married so it is amazing to me that I was ever actually engaged. As a single woman enjoying her freedom, I find that I often get into this conversation with people, particularly with men. They want to know why it is that I choose to be single? Why is it that I don’t want to get married? Why don’t I want children? Is this all really so unusual? I see the world, an overpopulated, consumer driven society where people die of obesity on one side of the world and people die of starvation on the other side. I see a world of beauty that is slowly becoming extinct, one species at a time, because of the human race. I see my niece and nephew in their parents’ SUV and know that by the time they are my age there will be no more polar bears in the world. How could I want to bring another human being into this planet? It is through selfless love that we care for our children. It is through selfless love that I choose not to have a child. As to marriage, why would I sign my life away? I would never criticise another person’s decision, nor question it. Allow me to be who I am. Let me eat tofu. Let me watch League. Let me be alone.

Day 210 – first supper

I love to cook. I race back to mum’s house and get a few pots and minimalist items for the kitchen. I take all the curry spices. Mum never makes curry anyway. I look up a recipe but I don’t agree with it so I throw everything in my own way. Krystle’s last housemate cooked a lot of Greek food so she jokes that I have a lot to live up to. I am confident as I serve her the quinoa and vegetable curry. We eat on the floor like Morroccans. Someone has offered us a lounge but since the house is so small, we feel like it would be cluttered with furniture so we just sit around on the rug with cushions everywhere. This is common for me. I am a floor dweller. When I come over and get offered a seat, I usually sit on the floor anyway and lean against the carpet. People probably think this is strange but it is probably just the yoga mat. I have grown accustomed to being low to the ground and I feel strange sitting on chairs and sofas, especially if there is nice carpet. We eat our first meal in our new house. I have suitably impressed Krystle with my food making. I had looked up a recipe but dismissed it and decided to just follow my instinct. So here is my curry in a hurry:

CHICKPEA and SWEET POTATO CURRY

Ingredients:

1 chopped onion

1 tsp chopped ginger

1 diced capsicum

1 sweet potato, cut into chunks

half bunch silverbeet

1 can chickpeas, drained

1 can coconut milk

1 tomato, chopped

fresh coriander

1 tsp ground coriander

1 tsp ground cumin

1 tsp ground turmeric

half tsp ground cinnamon

1 tsp curry powder

salt

pepper

dash of hot chilli powder

Heat oil in pot, add onion and ginger and cook for 3 minutes. Add capsicum, cook for a further 2 minutes. Add spices and mix well. Add vegetables and enough water to almost cover all the contents. Mix well and cover. When sweet potato is softening, add chickpeas, coconut milk and spinach and fresh coriander. Cover and allow the spinach to cook in the steam for two minutes with the stove off. The heat of the pot will steam the spinach, keeping it raw enough to still enjoy as much of the nutrients as possible.

Can be served over rice but I prefer to use red quinoa. Boil one cup of quinoa in two cups of water with a pinch of salt.

Delicious.

Day 211 – inspiring the kids

Krystle is an artist. When I wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom I find her in there, her hand is blue and she just looks at me and says sorry. I look up at the mural on our bathroom tiles. I hug her. This is what I love about this woman. Freedom. Love. Truth. Beauty.

A young 15 year old girl is doing work experience with us at Embrace this week. She is timid and quiet. I keep forgetting she is in the shop. I take her for a walk and we have a chat. I know exactly where she is in her life because I have been there: too shy to be herself because she is still figuring out who she is. I talk endlessly and she tells me that my life sounds awesome. I end up giving her this whole spiel about how positive energy attracts more positive energy. Put out the awesomeness and you receive awesomeness. (I guess this is the 15 year old version). “Every person you meet is a reflection of you, honey, so send out good vibes and you will be surrounded by great things. The best thing I ever learnt is that I can do exactly what I want to do. As long as I always do things with good intentions and come from a place of love then there is no reason to feel guilty for following your heart. It has taken me a long time to do that but I feel that I am walking my own path and that it is right for me.”

She asks me if I ever feel bad when I think about other people, like my ex-fiance when I broke up with him. I tell her of course it is hard to hurt someone but if you don’t want to be in a relationship, then you will hurt the person more by staying. “You need to live for yourself, you need to love yourself first before you can love others otherwise you expect them to make you happy and then you make their life miserable when they can’t.”

She grows quiet. I guess it is a lot to take in. I draw some cards from the Angel deck, thinking about my career and how this junction of change I am in will affect me. When I start pulling cards, I am more and more amazed at the result.

Trust – trust your feelings and dreams to guide your career path.

Meditation – Siddhartha Gautama Buddha.

Yoga – your life is enhanced by yoga, stretching, and exercising.

You’re on the Right Path – keep doing what you’re doing, because it’s working.

Travel – Your life purpose involves travelling.

I realise the Yoga card has another card stuck to the back of it so I pull it out…

Writing – You heal, inspire, teach and entertain with the words you write.

Ok, universe. Message received. Loud and clear! Thank you for the reminder. Thank you for the opportunity to share what I have learnt and thank you for the beautiful people who remind me where I have come from and where I can potentially go.

Advertisements

Day 202 – Happy Birthday Mum!

You loved me enough to create me

You shaped this form from your own

In the play of life, you contributed me

In the flow of the divine, you allowed me to be.

 

In your sixty years you have lived in beauty

You have lived in perfection

You have lived with sadness and

You have lived with god in your heart.

 

You smile with worry

You frown with a laugh

My happiness becomes yours

And my strengths are your pride.

 

Mother you are everything

As I am everything to you

Thank you for the wisdom

Thank you from the universe for the past 60 years.

Day 201 – time to choose a path

So to put an end to some chapters in my life, I have taken the time away for this week to decide where I want to work. I jumped straight into work at the Clovelly Hotel and back at Embrace and now I have barely enough time to train, study, do yoga or even speak to people. As soon as I get into my car, my earphones are in and I am talking to people. As I go over some stories with friends of the past few weeks I realise I need to start writing more. I need to write more of the secrets, more of the deep emotions. I haven’t delved enough into some of that and writing online is not really the best place to explore some of those things. As I feel the flow of life carrying me through this crossroads, I consider the different career paths that I could take. Somebody sends me this link for a short YouTube video called Reel Wisdom. This may have just been the inspiration I needed today. I send one application to a writing job. My experience is only the link to this blog. My qualifications is only the degree I haven’t yet finished. They probably won’t even bother to read my application, but there is no knowing until I actually throw the energy out there and trust the universe.

One of my favourite quotes from this montage is from Star Trek:

Spock, you are fully capable of deciding your own destiny. The question you face is: which path will you choose? This is something only you can decide.

 

Day 200 – new haircuts, old friends

It is a sparkling, beautiful day for a haircut. I tell the hairdresser that I would be totally comfortable with a mohawk, but I think he wants to test the waters and see how I handle it before he goes chopping too much away. Either way, I am left with an edgy cut and Krystle and I spring out into the street, bumping into my friend, Chris, who I haven’t seen in years. I know when I am in the flow of life when I keep running into old friends. A warmth and a deep smile come about when you see each other again and the energy shifts to immediate laughter and excitement. But then again, when I am with Krystle, there is always laughter and excitement. We sit down at a cool little book store/cafe/bar that Chris works at and flick through a book about Marilyn Monroe. It is hard to tell that this woman was a size 12 and would now be criticised for being too fat. These days even at a size 8, women feel fat! James, who has the unfortunate nickname of TBag, meets us for more laughter. The three of us together are like an explosion of energy. Kelly comes down for a shirt visit after work, I contact another couple of old friends and as we roam about Surry Hills checking out all the bars along Crown and Foveaux, one of our friends is considering opening a bar here. We find Mulled Wine at Button Bar and I am in heaven. It is like Chai and Wine made love! Perfect for a cold winter night. We eat amazing food at the Dolphin and dance at El Loco. When my friend Carla arrives, she immediately joins our small circle and it is like the five of us have known each other for lifetimes. Maybe we have? Or maybe it is just the kind of friendships I make are usually with amazing and beautiful souls, people who are easy to get along with and jump straight into life and conversations. Carla is the kind of girl that hugs you and calls you babe when you get introduced. She is a fashion designer who spent years living in Paris and with her dark hair and striking eyebrows, has a smile that could light up a whole city! I don’t know this now but when I wake up I will still be smiling from this energy that we have created through our connections and our laughter. If friendship could sustain me, then I would never need to eat. If laughter could quench my thirst, I could walk through a desert. If music be the fruit of life, then let’s dance forevermore!

Day 199 – the new moon

You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity. Barbara De Angelis

It is one of those days where everything seems to be catching fire around me. I know I have set most of these sparks, but at the centre, I simply watch the ring of fire burn around me and can’t help but sigh. Even with a heavy heart, even with a friend yelling at me, another ignoring me, another in her own pain and the kind of exhaustion that makes me repeat over and over again how tired I am; at the core of it all, I am happy. I am at peace. I know that this turmoil is just another turn of the wheel. I draw the circle in the air and say “merde”. There is no other explanation but that sometimes things just fall apart and sometimes they fall down and sometimes they fall into place and sometimes we fall in love and sometimes we fall out of love. The important part is just to stand up again and fight back harder. When I get to the end of the day, I look up Lynda Hill’s Sabian Symbols. It is a unique way of looking at astrology and always seems to be spot on correct for everything that is happening for me at the moment. Apparently it is all about the new moon. This is an excerpt from her blog:

You may find yourself much deeper in a situation than you may have imagined, and now you are caged by the “walls” around you. There is probably no immediate escape from the turbulence that is happening. You may have had some forewarning that this ‘Storm’ was coming; with pressure piling up, threatening to explode at any moment. You may have had no intention or made no particular movements to invoke this ‘Storm’, however it’s out of hand in your environment nonetheless. The best thing to do is to wait it out and protect yourself, and those around you. Although this may have been building for days, or years, many are often taken by surprise at the sudden turn of events or the intensity of what’s being unleashed. An event or something that was said can let loose a torrent of emotional and physical energy that may be hard to contain. In fact, endeavoring to contain it may result in more damage. Things probably need to blow themselves out naturally. A positive outcome may not come to light for awhile, but things will fall back where they are meant to, in the end. Look back to see what you’ve contributed, as it may help to see a way out, or at least reconcile what’s happened. It’s likely that a number of people have been affected. It may be a disaster, or it may end up being a blessing in some way. See if you can rebuild your community – some people may have to be left out of your life, however.

I read the entire blog out to my friends. Her posts are long. I am tired and I want to stop reading but Krystle asks me to read on because she likes listening to me read. Finishing the post, I draw a circle in the air. The cycle of life, the wheel of fortune and the never ending turn of the planet. Keep spinning. Keep twirling. Keep dancing. Keep falling. Keep getting up. Keep climbing. Just keep going. Because even when you feel like you have stopped, the subtle body will keep moving so you may as well flow on with it.

Day 198 – the kindness of strangers

I am standing outside Jamie’s Italian in Pitt St, Sydney and the wait for a table is one hour and forty five minutes. I’m not waiting two hours for pasta when I know how to make it with flour and eggs myself. I stand outside, waiting for my friend Gabriella. A beautiful blonde girl dressed in simple black, wearing diamante Chanel earrings is having a cigarette nearby and compliments me on my handbag. I walk over to her and tell her that I made the conscious decision to be broke for this bag, but it has received enough attention that I know it is worth the investment. We start chatting about shopping and markets and she tells me, “That’s all I do. Eat and shop.” This girl is living the dream! We talk about the waiting list for the restaurant and where to go for dinner and she suggests Felix around the corner at Ivy. I thank her and start walking/waddling (not so good in the stilettos these days) to this beautiful little European style restaurant. So many people have told me lately how stuck-up everyone in Sydney is, that they would walk over a dead body in the street. I haven’t felt any of it. This girl could have been stuck up but she wasn’t. Beautiful, fashionable and willing to help a stranger, I felt a bit awkward asking for her number so we could be friends. How is it so easy to exchange numbers with someone of the opposite sex but when it comes to meeting other girls, we hesitate? Is it a trust issue? Is there more potential for heartbreak with friends? Is it that I don’t want her to judge me? Is it just that I have short hair and she might think I am trying to pick her up? By the time I go through this pondering I am already at Felix bar, waiting for the girl who I am already friends with. Gabriella is tall, fiery, stunningly beautiful Italian with long brown hair and the wisdom to know exactly where I am at. She hits the table fiercely as she talks, her sparkling eyes open wide with emphasis. When a man from the next table leans in to listen to our conversation she turns around and says, “You really want to hear what we are saying, don’t you?” I love the passion and fire in this woman! From the stranger on the street to my girls, I have faith that people in Sydney are beautiful and kind. We may seem a little stuck up or have tempers that make us snap but at the centre of every human being is the potential for the divine and the more you live from that place, the more you attract others who reflect that shining light inside of you.

Day 197 – the many uses for sage

I have some serious anxiety today and I can’t seem to settle it. I try to do breath regulation but I can’t seem to extend my inhale to five seconds, let alone my exhale for ten. I keep chest breathing and I feel panicky. I grab at the Rescue Remedy and spray it under my tongue, trying to calm down. A regular customer comes in and takes one look at me and realises something is wrong. She is learning Reiki so she brushes my aura and tells me to smudge myself with sage. We light up the smudge stick and she waves the smoke all around me, under my feet and around my hands and head. As she gets to the back of my heart, I feel the pop and release of that bubble of nervous energy. I instantly stand straighter and my breathing slows right down. I take the smudge stick from her and saying, “Don’t judge me, I just need to do this,” I wave the smoke around and between my legs. We both crack up laughing that sometimes ya gotta smoke the monster out. Well, even your cha-cha needs a bit of a cleanse sometimes. Stagnant energy will get caught up in the most unlikely places!

When people ask me how my trip was, my answer is always “life-changing!” Those closest to me said they couldn’t believe the transformation. One of my friends said I just seemed lighter, more mature and happier when I got back. It could have been the deserts of Mexico, or the break-up in Bali, but I know deep down the real change happened in India. A girl floats in and I look up, thinking I have recognised her but then, no, the girl I am thinking of is only 18 and this woman seems much older. Eventually I approach to see if she needs help with anything and I realise it is her! It really is the girl who once told me in her school uniform that she was going to India. I am almost jumping around, I am so excited to see her. But she is calm, grounded, steady. She smiles serenely, her eyes reflecting the light like the holy Ganga itself. She may have left a girl, but she has returned a woman. She smiles and nods as I ask her a million questions but then end up cutting her off and talking excitedly. We both intend to go back at the end of the year and I tell her about a volunteer project I think she would like. I feel the grounded energy of India wafting around her. I know I have been spiralling into my airy, crazy, Vata energy of Sydney and her peaceful presence is pulling me back to the ground.

People come into the shop to ask for crystals, books, music, jewellery, psychic readings and healings and we are there as a service as well as a shop. But today, both these women came in and helped me. It’s all fun and games until someone loses the “I”. I know that I am more myself than I have ever been, but the crazy energy with which I have been running around also makes me move too fast for my own good and I end up anxious. Whether sage, or India, I know that I can always come back home within myself and find a place where everything is calm. Let the world spiral around me. Here, I am centred.

Previous Older Entries