Day 184 – moving in slow motion

It could be a side effect of this flu, but I feel like everything has slowed right down, finally. I was running around like I was insane for the past few weeks, working too much, training too hard, sleeping too little, eating too quickly. I had forgotten to leave space in between my life let alone in between my breaths. This flu struck me down for a reason and the primary effect of the illness is that I have slowed down. Actually, it is frustrating. I feel like I am moving at a snail’s pace. I am so used to moving quickly recently that I can’t seem to make peace with this slow motion. As I sit for meditation, I feel the struggle between the ego that wants to get up and start moving again as quickly as possible and the higher self, which knows that the body just needs to rest and recover. I want to go running. I want to finish reading this book so I can move onto the next one. I want to eat so that I can feel satisfied (even though I’m not even hungry). I just want to go, go, go! But I don’t. I move slowly. I take my time to prepare for the meditation. I take even longer within it and I even longer still to come out of it. I feel sedated, like I have been given a heavy dose of an opiate. The sound is deeper, the air is thicker and I feel heavier. I just want to be better again but I know I am rushing myself. This flu will take as long as it wants and there is nothing I can do about it except take some more vitamin C and drink some more water. Patience. Patients. I do just one minute of breath regulation to slow my breathing down and find my centre. There is no time there. There is no fast, no slow. In the present, there is no such thing as speed.

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