Day 186 – Yogatime

I finally have the time and the energy to get back onto a yoga mat. After teaching the 6.30am class, I go back to bed for a couple of hours and then return to the studio in Bondi for Emma’s Open level class at 10am. I haven’t been to someone else’s yoga class in ages. I can’t remember the last time. I roll out a yoga mat and place my forehead on the floor in child’s pose but my knees are screaming at me. Has it really been that long since I last did this pose? I have to get up and shift them three times before they start to settle. Maybe my joints are still frozen. It is really cold today. As we start to flow, I realise how weak my body is. It has been completely ravaged by this flu. My balance is the worst. I can’t even stand on one leg for tree pose without a wobble. What the hell? I’m sure I taught this only a few hours ago and it was not this difficult. I have no choice but to let go of these expectations and send love and forgiveness to my body. I abused it by pushing it too far, training it too hard and working it too long and now it is weak and tired from a serious virus and I’m still trying to stand on my hands. I welcome pigeon’s pose and my slow brain melts right into the space here. I close my eyes. This is one of my samadhi poses. I could reach enlightenment right here. Don’t ever ask me to move again. I am happy here. We sit up and move into King Pigeon and I reach for the back leg. It has been ages since I did this too but at least my flexibility has not suffered. My heart sinks into the welcome opening and I have a feeling that this illness is starting to shift and move.

When I get to work at 4pm, I am exhausted. The toxins shifted in the practice have entered my system and I just want to sleep it off again. I don’t know how it is possible to feel so weak again after that morning. I feel boring and lifeless. I’m told I look down, flat and that the sparkle is not yet back in my eye. I could cry when I hear that. Where is my life force? Where is that radiance, the internal luminosity? Has the flu taken away my very essence? How do I get it back? I want to run and climb and balance on my arms and stand on my head and dance and expand into the universe and touch the light of the furthest star. Instead I hover vaguely over my keys, feeling like even my writing is suffering from this emotional flatline. Forgiveness and love. If I get angry and frustrated with myself, it won’t get me anywhere. It is time to just forgive and love myself.

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