Day 259 to Day 265 – resistance to love

Day 259 – resisting the lines

 You just can’t expect the unexpected. If there is one thing I have learned from this year of bliss, it is that change is the only constant. The path is never straight, especially where I am concerned. All my lines are squiggly, curling and sometimes crossing over. When I found myself on a date for the first time in months, I just took it in stride. When it lasted three days and I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face, I started to freak out. This was not part of the plan! I ran away from commitment, became chronically afraid of emotions, morally against the disease they call love and firmly protected behind my supposedly impenetrable wall of prickly toughness. Ah, how wrong I was. When I first got back from India, the palm reader at Embrace looked at my hand and said that my next big relationship was coming. I begged him to take it back. I rubbed at the lines on my hands, desperate for some years of solitude, but he just laughed at me. “How much time have I got, Ric?” I may as well have been asking about a terminal illness. He asked how old I was. When I said 25, he said I would meet him before I turned 26. Whatever, Ric, I thought. Palm readers get shit wrong all the time. Though, admittedly, Ric has told me some pretty accurate and specific stuff in the time I have known him.

Well, here I am, sitting in this guy’s kitchen, watching him cook me a wheat free, dairy free, vegetarian Pad Thai and I realise that this is the first time I have let a man who was not a direct relation cook me a meal without having to pay for it. I have always taken charge in the kitchen but for the first time in my life, someone is making me a meal for no other reason than the fact that they want to.

Suddenly I realise why I have had stomach problems the past couple of weeks. It was the resistance manifesting in my body. The more I wanted to stop the flow of energy, the more it all got stuck and caused dis-ease. The universe has made all the decisions for me this year and up until now, I had just accepted. This was the first time that I tried to fight it. Well, the universe thinks Matt is a good idea and I have to agree.

 

Day 260 – the chance to turn it all around

I had intended to detox this week but we had new wines delivered so we have had tasting at 10am both mornings. Ok, detox starts at lunchtime. We are having lunch out, a farewell for one of the consultants. Ok, detox starts after lunchtime. How many times can I bend these rules? When I get home, out of pure habit and exhaustion from a long day, I pour a glass of wine. Dammit I forgot. Ok, detox starts tomorrow. I am still making lentil hotpot when I put the wine down and make the decision to just STOP. It takes consciousness, it takes awareness and it takes strength. My friend, Liz (not myself, another Liz), who is a personal trainer, made the analogy: if you dropped your phone and cracked the screen, would you run over it with your car to finish the job or would you keep using the phone? ‘Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.’ – Penelope Cruz, Vanilla Sky

 

Day 261 – one of those days

First it is needles from the doctor.

Then I break a full bottle of Hungarian muskat in my samples case.

Then my car gets stuck in some gravelly sand where a road has just been excavated.

My last client is a complete no- show.

When I finally flop down onto Matt’s couch, I can’t help but laugh. What else could I possibly do? This would be the perfect moment for a piece of dark chocolate and a glass of Hungarian wine. That one that I broke earlier. Luckily.

Well, not every day flows. Not every day stays unbroken. My car got out of the ditch. I got to finish early and the only wine that was tempting me was not available anyway. So when I turn the day around and see it from another angle, it was actually quite beautiful!

 

Day 262 – fluorite to settle the chaos

 It is going to be a long day of work, with lots of driving around. As soon as I wake up, it is time to put the game face on. I just want to keep sleeping all day. I open all the windows, light some incense and stop to look out into the morning light. The huge piece of fluorite on the windowsill is there, solid and strong. Flourite is supposed to settle chaos. I bought it after our first weekend of chaos in this house, after the neighbours complained about our loud house warming. Krystle’s nickname is chaos. As soon as I brought it in the house it was instantaneous calm. She kept patting the crystal and spent the whole week being more settled than I had seen her in the whole time I had known her. Now it is my turn. I place both hands on the crystal and allow my breath to calm. When it is time to go, I say goodbye to the Chaos Crystal and hug the Krystle Chaos. Busy does not have to be chaotic. Success is not measured by exhaustion. I can do this my way. No rush.

 

Day 263 – the people I meet

My final tasting for the day is with my new friend, Daniel. I met him at Ravesi’s after City 2 Surf and we connected over each other’s awesome hair. That’s how you meet friends. Exchange a compliment, connect on facebook and now we are friends, forever connected by the internet. His other friends are just as beautiful and while they taste the wines and we chat non-stop, I feel immensely grateful for this random encounter. Climbing the branches back, I make the tiny connections that have led me to this point. If I had never shaved my head to go to India, I would never have had short hair for Dan to notice. If I had never started running in India, I would never have done City 2 Surf. If I had never started meditating, I might not have gone to India. If I had never had such a bad break up, I might never have started meditating. If I had never experienced some of the worst moments of my life, I might never have experienced some of the best. Everywhere I end up turns into magic and for this beautiful realisation, I am here amongst people that were strangers at the start of the night and then friends by the end of the night. One of whom, Jess, calls herself Miss Spiritual and has just returned from a meditation journey to Bali. These people are no accident. This is a part of the path, an important and significant moment. I have no way of knowing how this will affect the path further on, but I look forward to the moment in the future when I can look back at this and connect the dots, climb back through the branches and see where this point has lead me to.

 

Day 264 – six degrees

I knew that eventually I would turn up at someone’s house to do a wine tasting and would know someone there. The law of averages dictates that this had to happen, but it is still a pleasant surprise when I see the same painting in someone’s house as one in Krystle’s room. When I am looking at their wedding photos and spot a friend who grew up in the house across the street from me. The current population of Sydney is about 3,641,421. The idea that everyone is only an average of six introductions away means that I should be able to do this every week. And does facebook make it smaller? Does social networking make the degrees even less? Now that I can look up a person and see our “Mutual Friends”, does that not make the degrees even less? Then, the spiritual theory- we are all just recycled matter, all connected by a higher divine presence, a collective consciousness, and all made of stars; original energy from the big bang, reconfigured into everything that has come into existence. Not only do I know the boy down the street who once lived with my clients, I was also once related to Buddha, drank the same water molecules that once washed Jesus’ feet and have also been the same chemical compounds that made up a rock. This is the train of thought that can work its way across my brain in less than a minute as I stare blankly at other people’s wedding photos. My eyes return again and again to the person I know, simply because it is recognition. When someone says, ‘you look familiar’ and they aren’t trying to pick you up, maybe it is true? That past life, when were both cats? We climbed that tree and ate that rat together. Remember? Good times!

 

Day 265 – just say it

There are so many things that I say that I shouldn’t and so many things I probably should say but don’t. I hold back, I hesitate and I keep my mouth shut. Fear? Uncertainty? The barriers fly up again like security shutters on a bank and at 3am I find myself waking up in anxiety, wondering what the hell is this snake of negative thought doing slithering around in my brain? So I just say it. I talk about it. I open up and slowly take down the barriers, softening and being honest. When I can say the worst, I finally feel ready to say the best. Well, I don’t exactly scream it from the rooftops, but I whisper it and as long as he hears it, that is all that matters. Say what you mean and mean what you say. That is why I keep quiet. Tell me anything as long it is always true. And then you will always know that these words mean more than the sum of the letters that they appear to be. When I say that I love you, it isn’t just because you said it first. It isn’t just because I want you to hear it. It is because I love you.

 

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Day 252 to Day 258 – a week of gratitude

When my sister said a speech at her own wedding, she had read somewhere that if you make a list of at least six things that you are grateful for every day, then you will be happy. So she then went on to tell us all of the things she was grateful for. So for seven days, I made a point to say thank you at least seven times. By the end of each day, I mostly had way more than seven. Every moment was beautiful, for every single day, I could be grateful for every single minute… Thank you for…

 

Day 252 – the little things

A parking space close enough to the cafe that I can get my coffee as soon as I drive in to work.

The barista who knows exactly what I want and starts making it as soon as he sees me approach.

The hour and a half long lunchtime that allows me to lay in the sun for an hour in the middle of the day and do nothing.

The phone charger my boss keeps at work so that my phone never has to die, even though I am using it constantly.

The customers who actually answer their phones.

The customers who sound pleased, if not excited to hear that I want to bring wine to their house!

The warm night that I finally get to drive home in, after a long day, finally noticing that spring has completely negated the need for the heater in my car.

 

Day 253 – the sorrowful things

The doctor for putting up with my complaints and hypochondria, managing to calm me when I am clearly so stressed.

The nurse for being out to lunch, so unable to take my blood for an hour, giving me time to run around Malabar and then swim across the bay.

The ocean for healing me regardless of how stressed or sad I feel.

The best friend who comforts me through text messages all day, and even makes me laugh when I feel like I want to cry.

The person who manages to look me in the eye and smile regardless of how little I can smile back.

The dinner that tastes so awful that I can’t even finish it, meaning I don’t leave the restaurant so full that I feel sick.

The cup of tea and tim tam that offers a little hug from the inside when I feel so down.

 

Day 254 – the surprising things

The strength and speed I find doing sand sprints in boot camp after I was too exhausted to even make it out of bed.

When the day seems completely pointless until the last two customers surprise me with their kindness.

The way a friend looks when I walk into his work unexpectedly.

The fifty dollar note I find tucked inside your wallet when I thought I was broke.

The missed call from someone I didn’t expect to hear from.

The vegetarian burger in a pub that turns out to be amazingly delicious.

The graffiti written on the inside of the toilet door that says SHUT UP AND LOVE.

 

Day 255 – the delicious things

The customers who no-show or cancel, leaving me with free time to go home and get back into bed for an hour.

The rainbow lorikeets that screech so loud in the trees that I can’t even hear the other person through the phone.

A familiar face in an unexpected place, making a delicious coffee and serving me a glass of prosecco.

The customers who cancel at the door, leaving me with an early night to go out to dinner.

The tiger lilies and roses, bought simply because he knew I like them.

The dinner of kingfish ceviche, quinoa and chickpea chips stacked like a jenga tower and the stuffed zucchini flowers.

The rum blazer, complete with history lesson and the spectacular show of watching all the spices spark and fire into the glass.

The amazing person who I am lucky enough to share it all with.

 

Day 256 – the fun things

Krystle’s bouncing energy, dragging me out of the house when all I want to do is lie down.

The unplanned adventure into the city to go to a Creole Zouk night. (Side note, Creole Zouk is kind of like a slow, French Caribbean version of Salsa. Very sexy, seductive and beautiful.)

The pleasant surprise that my date can actually dance!

My cousin who meets us out and can make friends with any person that I introduce him to.

The bars that actually stock cucumber to go with a Hendricks gin and tonic.

The three individual friends I haven’t seen in years who give me massive hugs and a quick hello, knowing now that our entire friendship is conducted over Facebook.

The taxi driver that takes us home right at the changeover time when it is impossible to find a taxi.

 

Day 257 – the work things

It isn’t hard to be grateful for today, when I am being whisked away to the Hunter Valley with work colleagues.

The lift into the city that gets me there on time, despite being out until 3am.

The beautiful sunshine that graces the day out in the vineyards.

The delicious wine of Brokenwood.

The Hendricks Punch served hot in a teapot that helps me recover from the night before.

The credit card that allows me to purchase a $100 bottle of Quail shiraz, or the Magnum bottle of Semillon.

The laughter of the whole ride home and the new bond between people who were once just work colleagues, but can now be called friends.

 

Day 258 – the unfamiliar things

The way he holds my hand when he can see that I am nervous to be introduced to people unknown.

The wine that allows the nerves to fade and the conversation to flow.

My ability to use humour to hide from an awkward situation.

Francesca, my new American friend, who turns up in Bondi out of nowhere and has dinner with us.

The point of the night where my body refuses any more alcohol and I end up drinking water instead.

The exhaustion that forces me home and in bed by midnight.

The warm embrace at the end of a long weekend.

Day 245 to Day 251 – rest, remember, reflect and relax

Day 245 – lunchtime resting

It is a beautiful sunny day and we have an hour and a half of lunchtime to enjoy it. I find my usual grassy hill has been occupied by the telesales team. After they eat, they slowly make their way inside and I am left alone to bask in the sun. I lay down and take off my shoes, looking up through the swaying leaves at the sky. Feeling the twigs and grass beneath me, the breeze above me, the sun warm my skin and hearing a kookaburra nearby is enough meditation to keep me completely focused and mellow for the entire day. I end up easily making my target appointments for the day. I don’t know if it is possible but I am guessing the clients can sense this energy through the phone. Who wouldn’t want to meet a person who is happy to just lie on the grass in the sun? Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t me, just so that I could meet me and see myself through the eyes of someone else. And if I wasn’t me, I would lie down in the sunshine next to me. But I am me, so I can do little things like lie in the sunshine and be entirely present. This is life- not the doing, not the speaking, not the trying. It is through not doing that we have the time to feel who we really are, to sense the world and just arrive.

 

Day 246 – my window to the sky

When I wake up in the morning, I don’t even have to get up out of bed to open my blinds. I can lie in bed, warmed by the sunshine, staring out at the bright morning. It is still a bit cool in the mornings but the sun has never been more beautiful. I like the roof next door. It looks like something out of Mary Poppins. I feel like if I left this window open, Peter Pan could very well hop straight in and kidnap me back to Never-Neverland. Actually, this apartment has kind of become Never-Neverland. There are paintings of oceans and birds and unicorns, the Faery Oracle and Angel cards are always out, scented candles or smokey incense curls through the hall and sometimes Krystle and I lay around and watch cartoons, sprawled across the floor in a pile of cushions and blankets. Peter Pan, I dare you to have more fun in the jungle. This place is awesome! I could very easily imagine that my bed is floating through the world, this window showing me the rest of the world. Every place that we landed, I could crawl out of the window in my bare feet and explore sandy beaches on unknown islands, vast cities filled with skyscrapers and suits, fast moving rivers, snowy mountains, thick rainforest loud with the sound of birds. Through this window, I can see my own little piece of sky and when I open it up I can hear magpies telling the same story that they tell every morning.

 

Day 247 – tiger lilies

I have a tattoo on the back of my calf of a tiger lily. Krystle tells me it is a Stargazer Tiger Lily and when she gets home from work she has brought me three of them. They are pink and white, the same colour as the one that my tattoo was originally drawn from, even though there is no colour on my leg… yet. I originally got this tattoo for a dear friend and mother. She passed away so suddenly, breaking the hearts of her husband, her three sons, her step daughter, myself and many, many more people. I remember being in such shock that all I could do was fix up the flowers that people kept bringing over into vases and when we ran out of vases, jugs and empty bottles. Her middle son, who was never exactly the warm and fuzzy type, (more of the tough kid with enough piercings to get stuck to the fridge magnets if he got too close) came over and hugged me and said that looking after the flowers was exactly what his mum would have done. Her name was Florence and she was a living angel. In the short time I knew her, I had never laughed or cried so much. When I see these flowers, I can still hear her uncontrollable laughter when she accidentally drank the wrong wine. I remember the way she placed her hand elegantly on her long neck as she wilted in the heat of Phuket. I imagine she is sitting up in heaven, relaxing in a deck chair, the way she imagined her own parents to be when they passed. In missing her, I am grateful to have known her and for the simple things she taught me. She taught me that you can endure any pain for twelve seconds. Just count to twelve and it will be over. “If it isn’t, count to twelve again.” Or how to drink Bombay Sapphire with tonic and a slice of lemon. Or how to do the Nutbush (please YouTube this dance if you don’t know what I am talking about). I will never be able to smell one of these flowers without remembering the look of grief on her eldest son’s face, or the way her youngest son stared at photos of her, trying to burn them into his mind forever. And every time I hear the Jackson 5’s song, I Want You Back, I will see that small family hugging together in a group, trying to laugh and cry at the same time. Sometimes there is more poetry and beauty in grief than there is in joy. For we would not know how to love if we did not know what it felt like to lose.

 

Day 248 – The tea dragon

As the weather warms up, I realise I haven’t been drinking as much tea. It is also the fact that we still don’t have a kettle in the castle of chaos. I finally have the time and energy to boil some water on the stove top and I take the cup into my room where I get back into bed and stare at the dragon, keeping my tea warm. I am thinking about the symbolism of a dragon as I stare at the picture. What meditation does dragon totem offer? Obviously this is a powerful totem animal. Mythical, majestic and mysterious, they come from ancient Asian and Anglo-Saxon legends and symbolise strength, courage, balance, magic and primordial power. They also represent restorative energy, allowing us to become peaceful warriors. Considered lucky, the dragon ignites our inner fire and builds confidence… Meditating on this dragon totem can build these energies in us.

Lucky my tea cup has a lid on it because by the time I am ready to actually drink from it, the tea is still warm. The steam that explodes out when I take off the lid is like a breath of fire. The dragon kept the tea hot.

 

Day 249 – reflecting light

I am exhausted but I am not ready for bed. I need time to wind down, to relax and unwind before I pass out with my mouth open. It is well beyond midnight and I am still sitting up talking endlessly on our little floor space among the cushions. (Such hippies.) There is a single white candle stuck in the neck of an empty wine bottle. I get completely spellbound by the flickering candlelight reflected in the dark window. It is like the outside is reflecting the light within. That is the entire principle of the universe. Every person you meet is a reflection of something inside you. Every person you meet appears in your life to show you something about yourself. Even if you don’t like that person, or they make you angry, or something about them annoys you, the only way to see them is with compassion for they are there to reflect back a part of you that needs to change. Every person is a mirror. Every situation is reflecting light, illuminating the darkness, bringing us out of ignorance, showing us the path, lighting the way. Every candle shines brighter back at itself.

Day 250 – suffrage and seafood

We have to vote today. It is a local council election and though I have no idea what I am doing, I like to honour the voting process because of how hard women had to fight to get it. It was in 1913 that the passionate suffragette, Emily Wilding Davison, threw herself under the King’s racehorse, just so that women could have the chance to vote. For this reason, in my ignorance, I walk in and vote for the only female elective. It may not be the best method for voting but it is my only method today. It is probably too late for more research. All my wine tasting appointments have cancelled so I have the whole Saturday off and we decide to pick up some seafood and some fruit and vegetables from the organic market in the Entertainment Quarter. I have to ask for “the cheese with the holes… it’s kind of white and soft and may start with an S…” Asiago? Yes that’s it! I also find a more mature cheese, made of goats and cows milk, covered in Barolo grapes. We sit around for the entire afternoon eating oysters and cheese and drinking wine. When I finally get up to make some salmon, I have managed to wear my native american head piece and leave it on for the rest of the afternoon. Yeah it’s a little different for a chef’s hat… When I look back at the day I realise that I can finally relax. There is nowhere I have to be, nothing I have to do. If I want to hang around my house and eat oysters, drink wine and look like a Sioux, what better way to spend a Saturday? I voted, I ate, I drank, I finally relaxed.

 

Day 251 – locked out on the grass

I am teaching yoga this morning and nobody has left me a key for the studio. Everyone is either away or at YogaAid, which is why I am covering this class. As students arrive, I break the news that we are practicing outside. They all seem a little worried but when they start moving, I get them to pull the mats away and feel the grass beneath their toes, to connect with the earth. It is easier to be a tree when your roots are actually connected to the earth. This is a balance focused class so grounding is an important part of standing on one leg. The Rainbow Lorikeets offer beautiful background noise and the sun warms our bare arms. It is a beautiful and fun way to teach and I think I want to start teaching outside all the time! In the end, the students are excited and walk away saying how lovely it was to practice outside for once! Yoga studios are pretty much a Western interpretation of yoga anyway. I remember in teacher training being told about the yogis that would wrap themselves in wet sheets and then climb to the top of a mountain and practice asana until the sheets dried. This is nowhere near so extreme but from this ancient practice, most of the asana poses are imitations of nature and animals. In the end, I offer gratitude for the warmth of the sun, for the music of the birds and for being locked out and giving us the opportunity to practice in this beautiful outside space.

Day 237 to Day 244 – eight thousand words

This week I decided to take pictures in place of writing. I kept finding moments of bliss all around me that could no longer be described with words and so in the spirit of stillness and silence, I used photography to capture them. Feel free to contribute any captions that you feel would be appropriate, but most of the time when I look at these photos, all that comes into my head is; “I LOVE MY LIFE!”

Day 237 – wine tasting harbour cruise… work obligations

Day 238 – the morning rituals I can’t live without…

Day 239 – morning run

Day 240 – on the road

Day 241 – always impressed by a person who has a small collection of Buddha’s/deities in their room

Day 242 – breakfast is served: coffee and a view

Day 243 – Sydney by Monet

Day 244 – Happy Father’s Day. Let’s celebrate LIFE!