Day 316 to Day 321 – 26 revolutions round the sun (this lifetime)

Day 316 – unholy moods

So once every 2-3 weeks I reserve the right to turn all Jekyll/Hyde and bite your head off, especially if you try to tell me coffee isn’t good for cramps. The inside of my most sacred part of my body feels like it is turning inside out and coffee is the only thing I have to look forward to in this long day of pain. So don’t tell me what is good for cramps. Especially when you don’t have a uterus. But my mood is fine. Aside from a little emotional, I don’t seem to experience the same mood swings I did a year ago. It was very early on this year that I realised how much my daily meditation affected my moods. No more spontaneous crying for no reason, or unfounded frustration. So today it is just the physical pain that I have to endure. It isn’t so much that it is actually painful, but uncomfortable. It is the kind of feeling that makes me want to stay in bed with a heat pack, not sit in the office for 10 straight hours. I spend most of the day cringeing and hunched over my desk and customers seem to sense this unholy mood because I am having no luck with them. On top of that, there is pressure coming from behind me, pushing me toward the same customers who are telling me to f*** off. I am between a rock and a hard place. It is a small space here but I know that even coal turns to diamonds under time and pressure. It is in the smallest of spaces and the darkest of hours that light can shine brightest.

 

Day 317 – judgement

I shouldn’t judge a yoga teacher by her age. I shouldn’t judge a yoga teacher at all. I can’t help but feel surprised, though, when such a young teacher can teach such a solid class. It isn’t that I am amazed by her insight – I know that even the youngest of people can have the oldest of souls. I know that the tiniest girl can have the greatest strength. What surprises me, I guess, is her confidence. She could be older than she looks but she is able to project her voice across the room, to hold the energy and never falter. She knows what she knows and she sticks with that. She is another channeller. She is open to receiving the universe and then uses that open channel to guide the room full of yogis. And I have learnt another lesson about preconceived ideas. I am not old, but I should never doubt the ones younger than me. This generation, we are full of light and there is probably more consciousness being born since the 80’s and particular now, with Indigo and Crystal children popping up everywhere. Eventually the children will be wiser than all of us. And I hope so, because they have to carry the light into the new world.

 

Day 318 – Jeff Buckley’s aura

I am about to head to a double yoga class when I get a text message from a friend and one of my favourite yoga students. Her friend is sick and she suddenly has a spare ticket to Ben Harper’s acoustic concert at the Opera House. I didn’t even know he was in Sydney! What a perfect way to channel my excitement. Matt is flying back to Sydney tonight so I knew I wouldn’t be sleeping well anyway. What a random and perfect surprise.

Aside from being a talented and angelic musician, Ben Harper makes a connection to the audience. He looks at people. He reaches out to people. He plays to parts of the audience and when a girl yells out a song she wants to hear, he bows with honour and says “Your wish is my command.” The perfect gentleman. And he tells stories. He is talking about a presence approaching, with the blackest eyes, surrounded by a hazy light and asking him to play slide. It is Jeff Buckley. If I could ever imagine a more perfect story, it still wouldn’t be this good. Two talented musicians, who both radiate immense light and energy, together, out the back of a festival in France, playing slide.

 

Day 319 – Heath Ledger’s ghost

I may have ruined the surprise by going to Ben Harper last night… Matt had organised tickets for tonight but I can’t wait to go again and with someone I get to share love with. And it is a completely different experience. Aside from my energy, which is probably radiating pink with all the love I am feeling right now, Ben Harper plays different songs with different instruments and tells new stories. He is telling us about late night partying with Heath Ledger, who bought him a piano and asked him to write a lullaby for his child. When Ben plays the lullaby, it is one of the saddest and most beautiful things I have ever heard. One of the stage lights, which had been working perfectly yesterday and all of tonight, starts to flicker slowly. Eventually it turns off. This doesn’t happen for any other song. Was that his way of saying he was there? Of saying hi, thanks for the song. Is Heath Ledger’s ghost haunting the opera house? Or just that song? It seemed like a beautiful connection between the two worlds anyway.

And yes I was fine alone, but how glad I am to be back again with someone I have grown to love so much. After being apart for a few weeks, I have lost a lot of the fear and trepidation that was holding me back. I feel more ready and open to this experience. I have no choice. Love is like water and it flows whether you want it to or not.

The most I ever learnt about my true self was in the name of love.

– Ben Harper

See the 365 Days in Bliss YouTube Channel for videos from the Ben Harper concert.

Day 320 – the angels we encounter

I try to have no expectations when I visit customers. I have no idea what they are going to be like, whether they will buy, so I just enter them all with my mind empty. There is no point expecting anything because it could all be nothing. My first client of the day is a beautiful surprise. It is in a Pilates studio and what I find is a connection rather than a sale. I make a friend. When I leave, I can’t help but feel like that was more of a success than a sale would have been. The day is wet and rainy. My next three appointments are not there when I arrive and yet, I can’t shake the conviction that today is a beautiful day. I race home for lunchtime to see my own angel again. I have to confess that I am extremely happy to be back in his presence again.

I do feel surrounded by angels, even every drop of rain is like their blessing.

 

Day 321 – 26 revolutions around the sun

And today I am definitely surrounded by angels. All the beautiful messages, kind words, hugs, kisses and gifts. I am so blessed to have all these beautiful people in my life!

A poem a friend wrote:

today is the day
your soul chose to enter this play
may it be filled with love
as may all your days
and all your plays

– Jim Hilbun

 

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Day 202 – Happy Birthday Mum!

You loved me enough to create me

You shaped this form from your own

In the play of life, you contributed me

In the flow of the divine, you allowed me to be.

 

In your sixty years you have lived in beauty

You have lived in perfection

You have lived with sadness and

You have lived with god in your heart.

 

You smile with worry

You frown with a laugh

My happiness becomes yours

And my strengths are your pride.

 

Mother you are everything

As I am everything to you

Thank you for the wisdom

Thank you from the universe for the past 60 years.

Day 173 – a luminous friend has a gravitational pull stronger than the sun

I actually got to sleep before 10pm last night so when my alarm goes off at 6am, I am happy to just lie in bed doing breath regulation. I realise how long it has been since I last did this. Exhale ten seconds. Inhale five seconds. I watch the second hand move on my watch in the darkness. It is so cold outside this bed. At 6.29, a whole half hour of watching my breath, I finally get up and get ready. The sunrise is beautiful as I drive down to Cronulla. There is a beautiful running track that leads to Kurnell. I still feel tired, but the run fills me with energy. I have a long and slow day at work before teaching yoga. My life feels like I am sprinting just to keep up with it. I don’t even have time to go home, so I get ready at my friend Krystle’s house. It is her birthday today so we get pretty together like girlfriends do, sharing makeup with our glasses of wine.

This girl is amazing. I have never met someone so incredibly grounded and self-assured. She is the kind of person that will randomly hug herself tightly and say, “I just love myself so much!” She sees the glass as neither half-full, nor half-empty, but with the knowledge that you can always fill it up again! She is also the kind of independent woman who responds to a meditation CD with the thought, “You can’t tell me what to do!” She is vibrant and energetic. Her energy is infectious and since knowing her, I think I tend to jump around a whole lot more. She curses the hairdryer with her Irish accent and then applies her ‘drag-queen’ makeup. We go out and she spends half the night running around to say hi to all the people she knows. I haven’t eaten dinner, so I rifle through my bag and find some dried strawberries that I brought back from India. I completely forgot I had these. They smell like India and I am taken back to my friend Rupali, who, even with her broken leg, insisted on going out and trudging through bucketing rain just to show me a famous mosque. Krystle reminds me a lot of her, actually. They have the same radiance, the same high energy, and the same strong independent personality. I realise I am also wearing an outfit I bought in India for $8 when I was with Rupali in Pushkar, that same day it rained so heavily. Sitting around talking to some friends, a man tells me he wants to jump across the table and kiss my forehead. I am a little shocked, so I say, “forehead is an interesting choice. It is almost a little fatherly. May I ask why you would kiss my forehead and not my hand or my cheek?” He told me that he believed the forehead had a special quality about it, that it had a strong energy and that he really liked my energy. Where do these people come from? It’s like I am a magnet for spiritually minded strangers who talk to me about energy. It isn’t like I am dressed like a hippy. Although this jumpsuit is from India, it is black and has been carefully matched with bright red pumps and my favourite red lipstick. This is carefully orchestrated fashion. You wouldn’t know I was a yoga teacher looking at me today, especially with a glass of sparkling in my hand. And yet, here I am, talking to a perfect stranger about the power and attraction of the third eye centre in the middle of the forehead. Thankfully, this man stays on his own side of the table, and my forehead remains unkissed.

With Krystle radiating like the sun, her gravitational pull so strong that we all bond around this central person, I have made such close friendships that I am now feeling deeply attached to Sydney. I tell her that for the first time in a long time, I am not looking at flights to Africa or India or Paris. I don’t feel like I am running away anymore. I feel like I am running towards this brighter future. I feel like I am present and enjoying being here now and now here. Thank you, Krystle. Happy Birthday. xx

Day 150 – bite the cake!

It is my nephew’s fourth birthday so I know I am going to have to battle my desire for sugar today. I decide I need to try a meditation I got from a friend at the ashram in Rishikesh. She had heard I was collecting meditations so she gave me this one to try by Yogi Bhajan:

Beggar’s Meditation

Yogi Bhajan 5/15/73

‘Sit straight in easy pose. Make a cup with the hands by putting the right hand over the left. The fingers will cross each other. Put this open cup at the level of the heart centre. The eyes look only into this cup. Begin the pranayama by inhaling deeply through the nose. Exhale through the puckered mouth. The exhale is as if you spit the air into the palms, but it is a dry, long spitting motion of the air. Meditate on inhaling a particular desire and spit it into the cup with the breath through the mouth. Pick a single strong desire and focus only on that desire throughout the meditation. It will calm and fulfil this desire. Concentrate and imagine, “Whatever you need at this time, no matter how dirty or sublime that desire is.” Continue for 11 minutes.

‘There is a whole technology and science of self-hypnosis that can change the pattern of thought flow in a person. A desire is an energy pattern. Some desires stay with us a long time and are not just physiological needs. Whatever the desire is, it needs to manifest or transform on some level of your being. Until it does, it is maintained by a self-hypnosis pattern. This meditation works on the pranic energy in the aura and changes a particular area of the brain. The brain area is called the “conflict personality area”. It is located at the back of the head, 1/3 of the way up from the base of the skull and 2/3 of the way back down from the hairline. At this point, there is a place under the solar centres that can work out and manifest the desires. Yogi Bhajan said that there are blocks of desire in the personality, which are “itchy” and persistent and “they sit in the heart of the person. But if you put the hand in the heart, you will never find them. They are in the 1/3, 2/3 are of the brain.” The meditation is the technology to deal with desire. It is a trance-like meditation once you master it. It removes the block of too much desire so you can manifest yourself.’

So when I walk in the door of my brother’s house, my nephew shows me four fingers and says, “I’m not little anymore, I’m this many now!” I managed to survive the whole of yesterday without chocolate and I can feel the latent desires arise as I am drawn straight to the cake being covered in bright blue icing. I end up taking way too many photos of this amazing cake, but I am grateful I had so much for breakfast because I don’t actually feel like eating any… yet. While my brother sets up the impossible tricycle, my mum starts a game of pamba. Basically she just starts bashing people with balloons until we are all involved in this balloon brawl. It ends up being the only game that doesn’t involve food. We are Mexican, so obviously, there is a piñata, out of which lollies rain. I don’t even like lollies but I make the conscious decision to just have one, since it is a 4th birthday, so I pick the strawberries and cream. Finally, my brother sets up a string for the donut game. He ties donuts to the string and we have to eat as much as we can with our hands behind our backs. I pretend to have a go, not really wanting any but then the donut swings into my mouth and a crumb of glaze gets lodged on the edge of my tooth. Oh no, I can feel myself tumbling off the wagon. My pupils dilate and suddenly the string is taken away and I go running after it, practically kicking and screaming. My niece is trying the same tactic, but has already had enough sugar for the night and so she leaves he kitchen with her head hanging low. I would feel bad for her, but is better at that game so she ate half her donut anyway. I walk casually over to the box and eat half a glazed donut. At least it isn’t chocolate… but no, then a bite of chocolate covered donut ends up in my mouth just as my niece walks over like an avatar of divine authority and wags her finger at me, the other hand on her hip, “No, no no! Tia (aunty) is having a donut!” I slink away, wiping glazed sugar from my mouth. At cake time, we have this tradition where you bite the cake and be careful of my brother trying to push your face into it. My poor, sweet, innocent little nephew doesn’t know any better yet so he ends up with icing in his eye as his own dad drowns him in the blue sugar. I politely decline but then my legs have a change of heart. They follow the cake to the kitchen and then my hands join in the rebellion and grab a tiny sliver of a piece. In a final act of defiance against my will power, my mouth succumbs to this bite of cake and I know that this desire (addiction) for sugar is going to take more than 11 minutes to kick.

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