Day 316 to Day 321 – 26 revolutions round the sun (this lifetime)

Day 316 – unholy moods

So once every 2-3 weeks I reserve the right to turn all Jekyll/Hyde and bite your head off, especially if you try to tell me coffee isn’t good for cramps. The inside of my most sacred part of my body feels like it is turning inside out and coffee is the only thing I have to look forward to in this long day of pain. So don’t tell me what is good for cramps. Especially when you don’t have a uterus. But my mood is fine. Aside from a little emotional, I don’t seem to experience the same mood swings I did a year ago. It was very early on this year that I realised how much my daily meditation affected my moods. No more spontaneous crying for no reason, or unfounded frustration. So today it is just the physical pain that I have to endure. It isn’t so much that it is actually painful, but uncomfortable. It is the kind of feeling that makes me want to stay in bed with a heat pack, not sit in the office for 10 straight hours. I spend most of the day cringeing and hunched over my desk and customers seem to sense this unholy mood because I am having no luck with them. On top of that, there is pressure coming from behind me, pushing me toward the same customers who are telling me to f*** off. I am between a rock and a hard place. It is a small space here but I know that even coal turns to diamonds under time and pressure. It is in the smallest of spaces and the darkest of hours that light can shine brightest.

 

Day 317 – judgement

I shouldn’t judge a yoga teacher by her age. I shouldn’t judge a yoga teacher at all. I can’t help but feel surprised, though, when such a young teacher can teach such a solid class. It isn’t that I am amazed by her insight – I know that even the youngest of people can have the oldest of souls. I know that the tiniest girl can have the greatest strength. What surprises me, I guess, is her confidence. She could be older than she looks but she is able to project her voice across the room, to hold the energy and never falter. She knows what she knows and she sticks with that. She is another channeller. She is open to receiving the universe and then uses that open channel to guide the room full of yogis. And I have learnt another lesson about preconceived ideas. I am not old, but I should never doubt the ones younger than me. This generation, we are full of light and there is probably more consciousness being born since the 80’s and particular now, with Indigo and Crystal children popping up everywhere. Eventually the children will be wiser than all of us. And I hope so, because they have to carry the light into the new world.

 

Day 318 – Jeff Buckley’s aura

I am about to head to a double yoga class when I get a text message from a friend and one of my favourite yoga students. Her friend is sick and she suddenly has a spare ticket to Ben Harper’s acoustic concert at the Opera House. I didn’t even know he was in Sydney! What a perfect way to channel my excitement. Matt is flying back to Sydney tonight so I knew I wouldn’t be sleeping well anyway. What a random and perfect surprise.

Aside from being a talented and angelic musician, Ben Harper makes a connection to the audience. He looks at people. He reaches out to people. He plays to parts of the audience and when a girl yells out a song she wants to hear, he bows with honour and says “Your wish is my command.” The perfect gentleman. And he tells stories. He is talking about a presence approaching, with the blackest eyes, surrounded by a hazy light and asking him to play slide. It is Jeff Buckley. If I could ever imagine a more perfect story, it still wouldn’t be this good. Two talented musicians, who both radiate immense light and energy, together, out the back of a festival in France, playing slide.

 

Day 319 – Heath Ledger’s ghost

I may have ruined the surprise by going to Ben Harper last night… Matt had organised tickets for tonight but I can’t wait to go again and with someone I get to share love with. And it is a completely different experience. Aside from my energy, which is probably radiating pink with all the love I am feeling right now, Ben Harper plays different songs with different instruments and tells new stories. He is telling us about late night partying with Heath Ledger, who bought him a piano and asked him to write a lullaby for his child. When Ben plays the lullaby, it is one of the saddest and most beautiful things I have ever heard. One of the stage lights, which had been working perfectly yesterday and all of tonight, starts to flicker slowly. Eventually it turns off. This doesn’t happen for any other song. Was that his way of saying he was there? Of saying hi, thanks for the song. Is Heath Ledger’s ghost haunting the opera house? Or just that song? It seemed like a beautiful connection between the two worlds anyway.

And yes I was fine alone, but how glad I am to be back again with someone I have grown to love so much. After being apart for a few weeks, I have lost a lot of the fear and trepidation that was holding me back. I feel more ready and open to this experience. I have no choice. Love is like water and it flows whether you want it to or not.

The most I ever learnt about my true self was in the name of love.

– Ben Harper

See the 365 Days in Bliss YouTube Channel for videos from the Ben Harper concert.

Day 320 – the angels we encounter

I try to have no expectations when I visit customers. I have no idea what they are going to be like, whether they will buy, so I just enter them all with my mind empty. There is no point expecting anything because it could all be nothing. My first client of the day is a beautiful surprise. It is in a Pilates studio and what I find is a connection rather than a sale. I make a friend. When I leave, I can’t help but feel like that was more of a success than a sale would have been. The day is wet and rainy. My next three appointments are not there when I arrive and yet, I can’t shake the conviction that today is a beautiful day. I race home for lunchtime to see my own angel again. I have to confess that I am extremely happy to be back in his presence again.

I do feel surrounded by angels, even every drop of rain is like their blessing.

 

Day 321 – 26 revolutions around the sun

And today I am definitely surrounded by angels. All the beautiful messages, kind words, hugs, kisses and gifts. I am so blessed to have all these beautiful people in my life!

A poem a friend wrote:

today is the day
your soul chose to enter this play
may it be filled with love
as may all your days
and all your plays

– Jim Hilbun

 

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Day 245 to Day 251 – rest, remember, reflect and relax

Day 245 – lunchtime resting

It is a beautiful sunny day and we have an hour and a half of lunchtime to enjoy it. I find my usual grassy hill has been occupied by the telesales team. After they eat, they slowly make their way inside and I am left alone to bask in the sun. I lay down and take off my shoes, looking up through the swaying leaves at the sky. Feeling the twigs and grass beneath me, the breeze above me, the sun warm my skin and hearing a kookaburra nearby is enough meditation to keep me completely focused and mellow for the entire day. I end up easily making my target appointments for the day. I don’t know if it is possible but I am guessing the clients can sense this energy through the phone. Who wouldn’t want to meet a person who is happy to just lie on the grass in the sun? Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t me, just so that I could meet me and see myself through the eyes of someone else. And if I wasn’t me, I would lie down in the sunshine next to me. But I am me, so I can do little things like lie in the sunshine and be entirely present. This is life- not the doing, not the speaking, not the trying. It is through not doing that we have the time to feel who we really are, to sense the world and just arrive.

 

Day 246 – my window to the sky

When I wake up in the morning, I don’t even have to get up out of bed to open my blinds. I can lie in bed, warmed by the sunshine, staring out at the bright morning. It is still a bit cool in the mornings but the sun has never been more beautiful. I like the roof next door. It looks like something out of Mary Poppins. I feel like if I left this window open, Peter Pan could very well hop straight in and kidnap me back to Never-Neverland. Actually, this apartment has kind of become Never-Neverland. There are paintings of oceans and birds and unicorns, the Faery Oracle and Angel cards are always out, scented candles or smokey incense curls through the hall and sometimes Krystle and I lay around and watch cartoons, sprawled across the floor in a pile of cushions and blankets. Peter Pan, I dare you to have more fun in the jungle. This place is awesome! I could very easily imagine that my bed is floating through the world, this window showing me the rest of the world. Every place that we landed, I could crawl out of the window in my bare feet and explore sandy beaches on unknown islands, vast cities filled with skyscrapers and suits, fast moving rivers, snowy mountains, thick rainforest loud with the sound of birds. Through this window, I can see my own little piece of sky and when I open it up I can hear magpies telling the same story that they tell every morning.

 

Day 247 – tiger lilies

I have a tattoo on the back of my calf of a tiger lily. Krystle tells me it is a Stargazer Tiger Lily and when she gets home from work she has brought me three of them. They are pink and white, the same colour as the one that my tattoo was originally drawn from, even though there is no colour on my leg… yet. I originally got this tattoo for a dear friend and mother. She passed away so suddenly, breaking the hearts of her husband, her three sons, her step daughter, myself and many, many more people. I remember being in such shock that all I could do was fix up the flowers that people kept bringing over into vases and when we ran out of vases, jugs and empty bottles. Her middle son, who was never exactly the warm and fuzzy type, (more of the tough kid with enough piercings to get stuck to the fridge magnets if he got too close) came over and hugged me and said that looking after the flowers was exactly what his mum would have done. Her name was Florence and she was a living angel. In the short time I knew her, I had never laughed or cried so much. When I see these flowers, I can still hear her uncontrollable laughter when she accidentally drank the wrong wine. I remember the way she placed her hand elegantly on her long neck as she wilted in the heat of Phuket. I imagine she is sitting up in heaven, relaxing in a deck chair, the way she imagined her own parents to be when they passed. In missing her, I am grateful to have known her and for the simple things she taught me. She taught me that you can endure any pain for twelve seconds. Just count to twelve and it will be over. “If it isn’t, count to twelve again.” Or how to drink Bombay Sapphire with tonic and a slice of lemon. Or how to do the Nutbush (please YouTube this dance if you don’t know what I am talking about). I will never be able to smell one of these flowers without remembering the look of grief on her eldest son’s face, or the way her youngest son stared at photos of her, trying to burn them into his mind forever. And every time I hear the Jackson 5’s song, I Want You Back, I will see that small family hugging together in a group, trying to laugh and cry at the same time. Sometimes there is more poetry and beauty in grief than there is in joy. For we would not know how to love if we did not know what it felt like to lose.

 

Day 248 – The tea dragon

As the weather warms up, I realise I haven’t been drinking as much tea. It is also the fact that we still don’t have a kettle in the castle of chaos. I finally have the time and energy to boil some water on the stove top and I take the cup into my room where I get back into bed and stare at the dragon, keeping my tea warm. I am thinking about the symbolism of a dragon as I stare at the picture. What meditation does dragon totem offer? Obviously this is a powerful totem animal. Mythical, majestic and mysterious, they come from ancient Asian and Anglo-Saxon legends and symbolise strength, courage, balance, magic and primordial power. They also represent restorative energy, allowing us to become peaceful warriors. Considered lucky, the dragon ignites our inner fire and builds confidence… Meditating on this dragon totem can build these energies in us.

Lucky my tea cup has a lid on it because by the time I am ready to actually drink from it, the tea is still warm. The steam that explodes out when I take off the lid is like a breath of fire. The dragon kept the tea hot.

 

Day 249 – reflecting light

I am exhausted but I am not ready for bed. I need time to wind down, to relax and unwind before I pass out with my mouth open. It is well beyond midnight and I am still sitting up talking endlessly on our little floor space among the cushions. (Such hippies.) There is a single white candle stuck in the neck of an empty wine bottle. I get completely spellbound by the flickering candlelight reflected in the dark window. It is like the outside is reflecting the light within. That is the entire principle of the universe. Every person you meet is a reflection of something inside you. Every person you meet appears in your life to show you something about yourself. Even if you don’t like that person, or they make you angry, or something about them annoys you, the only way to see them is with compassion for they are there to reflect back a part of you that needs to change. Every person is a mirror. Every situation is reflecting light, illuminating the darkness, bringing us out of ignorance, showing us the path, lighting the way. Every candle shines brighter back at itself.

Day 250 – suffrage and seafood

We have to vote today. It is a local council election and though I have no idea what I am doing, I like to honour the voting process because of how hard women had to fight to get it. It was in 1913 that the passionate suffragette, Emily Wilding Davison, threw herself under the King’s racehorse, just so that women could have the chance to vote. For this reason, in my ignorance, I walk in and vote for the only female elective. It may not be the best method for voting but it is my only method today. It is probably too late for more research. All my wine tasting appointments have cancelled so I have the whole Saturday off and we decide to pick up some seafood and some fruit and vegetables from the organic market in the Entertainment Quarter. I have to ask for “the cheese with the holes… it’s kind of white and soft and may start with an S…” Asiago? Yes that’s it! I also find a more mature cheese, made of goats and cows milk, covered in Barolo grapes. We sit around for the entire afternoon eating oysters and cheese and drinking wine. When I finally get up to make some salmon, I have managed to wear my native american head piece and leave it on for the rest of the afternoon. Yeah it’s a little different for a chef’s hat… When I look back at the day I realise that I can finally relax. There is nowhere I have to be, nothing I have to do. If I want to hang around my house and eat oysters, drink wine and look like a Sioux, what better way to spend a Saturday? I voted, I ate, I drank, I finally relaxed.

 

Day 251 – locked out on the grass

I am teaching yoga this morning and nobody has left me a key for the studio. Everyone is either away or at YogaAid, which is why I am covering this class. As students arrive, I break the news that we are practicing outside. They all seem a little worried but when they start moving, I get them to pull the mats away and feel the grass beneath their toes, to connect with the earth. It is easier to be a tree when your roots are actually connected to the earth. This is a balance focused class so grounding is an important part of standing on one leg. The Rainbow Lorikeets offer beautiful background noise and the sun warms our bare arms. It is a beautiful and fun way to teach and I think I want to start teaching outside all the time! In the end, the students are excited and walk away saying how lovely it was to practice outside for once! Yoga studios are pretty much a Western interpretation of yoga anyway. I remember in teacher training being told about the yogis that would wrap themselves in wet sheets and then climb to the top of a mountain and practice asana until the sheets dried. This is nowhere near so extreme but from this ancient practice, most of the asana poses are imitations of nature and animals. In the end, I offer gratitude for the warmth of the sun, for the music of the birds and for being locked out and giving us the opportunity to practice in this beautiful outside space.