Day 196 – trusting friendship or trust in friendship

I realise as I stand with my two best friends that it has been a long time since I have allowed a girl to make a connection to me. I had a series of really intense friendships over the past few years that all seem to have ended badly. Best friends can almost feel like a relationship sometimes and the key factor in breaking up with those friends was when one of us got a boyfriend. Inevitably, the boyfriend felt threatened or jealous of the closeness I had with my best friend, was worried she didn’t like him or that she was telling me to break up with him. Ultimately, I would spend more time with my partner and ended up losing the friendship altogether. It has hurt to walk away, but I also trusted that it was for the best, that we had grown apart and that it wasn’t all my fault. But for the longest time, I couldn’t allow myself to trust girls. I didn’t allow myself to make close friendships. I didn’t want to hurt another girl by not being there for her when she needed me, so I kept all my friends at arm’s length. I hesitated if they said they loved me. I didn’t call all the time and I isolated myself. When I broke up with my fiancee, there was the realisation that regardless of that isolation I felt, my friends were still there for me. I made new friends, new connections in India, in Bali and in Sydney. I started to trust friendship again.

The measure of a good girlfriend lies in what she says to you. You know that she moves from acquaintance to friend when she can be honest about what you are wearing. You know that it moves on to good friends when you call each other just to say, “Hi, what’s doing?” and you know for sure that she is your best friend when she tells you a secret that nobody else knows.