Day 58- temple of silence

I haven’t practised yoga since Puerto Escondido. That is about a week. It has also been about a week that I have been expecting my period. I try not to think about the significance of this as I arrive on my yoga mat; however the truth is I never really arrive. I am moving through my Vinyasa but my mind is a million miles away. I realise that I haven’t been able to walk down the street lately without seeing a pregnant woman. When I turn on the TV, I watch the episode of Sex and the City where Miranda considers an abortion and then eventually decides to keep her baby. This morning, my favourite movie from my childhood is on; Bedknobs and Broomsticks. It is about an apprentice witch, studying by correspondence (like myself) who must unwillingly take on children. The law of attraction would suggest that the only reason this is occurring is because I am thinking about it, so I am attracting these “signs” into my attention. I can’t help but wonder…

As I try to move through my yoga practice I can’t get my mind off the possibility of pregnancy. I am silently calculating when the baby will arrive, trying to figure out exactly how many times I drank more than two glasses of wine, when I find myself (ironically) in child’s pose. Deuter’s angelic song, Temple of Silence, has brought me to my knees and in awe and I lay my third eye centre down to the earth. In this moment of certainty, I have no choice but to surrender to the higher power. If it is meant to be, then it won’t matter how much I want to control my life because my destiny has already been decided. I slowly move out of child’s pose and flow through the rest of my practice with ease. I meditate on this feeling of surrender until I let go of the inner conflict and fear. Finally, I walk to the shops. It is time to find out.

Single line. Not pregnant.

Day 43- prana mudra

Another sleepless night- I woke up around 3am and couldn’t sleep again until sunrise. This happens to me about once a month. I start my daily yoga practice with hardly any energy in my body. I feel heavy and all I want to do is curl up into child’s pose and never come up again. I start slowly and then consult my mudra list. Today prana mudra seems appropriate. It helps to pump prana, life force, through the body.  I am almost gobsmacked how quickly this actually works. I am starting to flow a little faster and finally come down to savasana, feeling more at rest than the time I spent in bed struggling to sleep.

I sit up and find the mudra, allowing my hands to rest in my lap. Andrew is hungry and waiting for me so we can go to breakfast. I can feel him staring at me for a moment, then I hear him get up, drop something, clear his throat and make a few other noises before he settles down and grows silent again. None of this is distracting me though. I feel annoyed for less than a moment before I become so engrossed in my meditation that any noise becomes just part of the background. I am in the void and it feels so good I don’t want to leave. Eventually, though I can feel my own stomach grumble and hunger pulls me out.

At breakfast we decide to make a trip to Chacahua. Apparently there are waves there. We get ready and rumble into Zicatela beach on the Bumblebee. Andrew loses his hat going a crazy 40kph on the highway. The taxi ride is about an hour and a half to Zapotelito. There we meet Antonio who takes us in the lancha through the mangroves. We stay at the first cabana we find and Andrew is out the door, running to the wave before I have even taken my shoes off. I go down for a swim and then lie on the beach to read for the first time in days. You know a good holiday when you don’t have time to read any of the books you brought with you. The tide is coming in, though, and after shifting my towel back a few times I give up and go sit on our balcony. For the first time today I realise that I am not tired. I feel awake and alive, like prana is really flowing freely through my body. I settle in for a nice long night of sleep… that doesn’t come.