Day 337 to Day 342 – anxiety and stress relief

Day 337 – anxious love

At what point did I allow this FEAR (False Expectation Appearing Real) creep in? Where did it come from? I can’t really explain this but it seems like my barriers have come up again. All of a sudden I am anxious and scared. I have crossed the point of no return. The only way out would be painful because I don’t want out. I am happy and I am in love. I know. Terrifying. The human condition dictates that we question anything that seems “too good to be true”. We map out the worry lines and plan out our failures, certain that it will all fall apart. Despite growing up with the fairytales and the happily ever afters, harsh reality quickly teaches us to mistrust. To trust seems naive so we suspect others, become uncertain of our own emotions and question everything, descending into a spiral of confusion and negative projections. Of course, worrying is praying for what you don’t want to happen. Through the power of manifestation you create reality and in believing that something will go wrong, we feel validated when it does, convincing ourselves that we just knew it and we were right to be so suspicious. Well, what if I just let the barriers down? Eventually my pride has to come away and I have to talk about it. The funny thing about communication is how silly our fears seem when we speak them out loud; I am chronically phobic of seeing clay being cut with wire. The thought of it causes my mouth to dry up and I almost start shaking. I couldn’t get through a sculpting class with a gun to my head. And yes, when I speak about this I realise how absurd it is. Well, when I finally tell Matt what is bothering me, I suddenly get red in the face and laugh at my own silliness. Out loud, fears are just false expectations- proof that I am not living in the NOW. Proof that I am allowing my past to influence my future and both of those conditions to ruin my present. Well the past has happened and can’t be changed so why worry? And the future hasn’t happened but can be determined only by the now so why not just EEE- Exist, Enjoy, Experience…

 

Day 338 – city gal

I have been sent to Newcastle for work… Which sounds awful until I arrive at Nelson Bay. This place is beautiful! And then I get the cancellations… Luckily enough I have a bikini in my car so I can take advantage of the gap in my bookings. So here I am, sunbaking on white sand in front of turquoise blue water. I can’t remember the last time I was somewhere like this. Mexico? I remember a year ago it was my everyday life to be around crystal clear water and white sand with no people around. Suddenly I realise how much I have acclimatised to the city. I realise how city-fied I have become when I turn up at a customer’s house and see an animal with antlers. I can’t even name the animal but I realise this is the first time I have seen antlers so close. I grew up on a farm! How can this be so amazing to me? I guess I have been absorbed into the concrete jungle already… Well, at least when I escape to a white sand beach with bright blue water, I can appreciate it because it is so different from grey roads and traffic lights.

 

Day 339 – Oscar is here!

We are three, the reps sent up here for work this week. The other two girls and I go for a walk in the early morning. I am telling them about Oscar, my nephew who is due any day now. When we get back to the hotel, I have a message on my phone that he has arrived. We have been waiting, but not as long as his older sister, Bella. She has known about his arrival for a while now. My sister-in-law was once told by a psychic that Bella knew her little brother from a previous life. When they were away, Bella was telling other children about her brother, Oscar, who was coming soon. As soon as she found out she was having a little sibling, she was excited that Oscar was coming. Now he is here. They are finally together again. I wish I wasn’t away. I am starting to question this job that keeps me away from my family. I am always working. Well, from far away, welcome to the world Oscar. I can’t wait to meet my new little man!

 

Day 340 – yoga with an audience

Of course, I have brought my yoga mat. If it doesn’t fit into my bag, then it isn’t a bag worth taking away. I roll the mat out before dawn and begin some sun salutations. I thought that everyone was asleep until I hear the girls say, “wow.” I guess I have an audience. I am not entirely comfortable with yoga performance, but sometimes people pay attention. The important part is to keep myself centred so that I am not performing. Turn within so that this isn’t about the without. It’s like the philosophical question- if a tree falls in the wood and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound? If a yogi stands on her head and nobody is there is to see it, is she truly upside down?

 

Day 341 – sole detachment

Get pretty. Wear the face. Walk tall in the shoes. Smile. Be pleasant. Behave. All the orchestrations of a polite lady can be faked but when I am shopping for shoes and immediately go towards skulls or tassels or studs, then decide that this is too hard, I ask if I can just go barefoot. I end up choosing shoes named Black Krystle because that is my best friend’s name and I will need her courage every step of the way. Strapping on mountain climbing shoes in the snow? Easy. Crampons? Yep I got that. Flippers whilst floating? Sure. Barefoot is something I am more than comfortable with. Whilst I can rock high heels when necessary, they represent jail for my toes and the unwelcome feeling that my sole is detaching from my foot. I don’t like feeling sole (soul?) detachment. Sometimes this whole monkey dance of society- look pretty, have the right hair, the right clothes, the makeup… it all just seems so fake. It’s all part of the song and dance that we play to present an image to our peers. If I want people to know who I really am I wouldn’t wear shoes at all.

 

Day 342 – stress

Another speeding fine. The universe and certainly, the roads and traffic authority are telling me that I am going too damn fast. SLOW DOWN. Do not pass GO. Pay $200. Mum reminds me about uni. Time to stop mucking around and re-enroll. Time to choose- is sales really where I want to focus so much time and energy? Certainly not. To write and write well may not be able to be taught, particularly by distance education, but it might help with getting paid for this. And I have about $500 worth of fines to pay so working for money would be ideal. The whole whirlpool of thought is starting to pull me down into a bit of a cave of stress and behind my sunglasses I struggle to hold tears back. Thus is the first time Matt has seen me cry. I pretend not to. If there is one thing meditation can fix it is stress. Another antidote is love. Today we are meeting Oscar and when I hold his tiny body and smell his little head suddenly all those issues are gone. Pure life. Breath. His dreams can’t be more complex than leaving the womb. He can’t even see right now. I keep trying to wake him up but he is milk-drunk. My beautiful niece hovers beside us, looking dotingly down her little brother who she has been waiting for. Fines, uni, work, money, all melt away when pure life reminds you how to live. Just breathe.

Day 301 to Day 308 – the tethers that keep us togethers

Day 301 – the “I” tells you where to go

There is no way to interrupt the flow, regardless of the best intentions and there is no way to go any faster than the Sunday driver in front of you. It doesn’t matter how badly I want to go to this yoga class, nobody wants to let me get there. Even the traffic lights are lingering through reds and I by the time I get to the studio I have missed class by only three minutes. I go straight back home, via the beach, knowing that I can’t even be bothered to get out of the car. Ultimately, the “I” leads me back home, exactly where I started. Nothing to do but let go and accept that I was not supposed to leave the house today.

Day 302 – cry of help

I get an email from my friend, asking for help. She feels she has fallen away from the path, committed a mistake and now she can’t sleep. I am surprised by my own words, but I know exactly where she is because I have been there too. If I have experience in anything it is straying from the path, beautiful mistakes and most definitely lack of sleep.

Everyone needs to go through a Persephone phase. The Goddess Persephone, while in the company of her friends the sirens, was abducted by Hades and made to be the queen of the underworld, the goddess of shadows. There she remained, deepening her roots in the dark earth until the Spring when she comes out, strong enough to grow in the light. She is a symbol for nature, growth and the harvest.

And some of us has to go through this shadow phase. Everybody that has walked the path of light knows that it is steep and not without its bends and twists or branches that trip us over. But what happens when we fall over? We get to see the path really close up. We get to stop and look at the spot where we fell- the present moment. We then get to draw a line in the dirt and move forward. This life is not about making no mistakes. It is about experiencing every moment as a blessing, even when it seems painful. I can’t claim that I haven’t made mistakes. I have played with my shadow side, I have spent time in darkness, planting my roots deep in the underworld and now that spring is here, I am ready to grow into the light.

 

Day 303 – benchmark

The measure of fitness is in a 400m run, 10 push-ups, 10 grunts and 15 sit-ups, all done 3 times as well as a mile run. I try not to get hung up on results, especially when they don’t seem to be what I expect. The first sequence is a whole 20 seconds slower than what I did 2 months ago, but the mile run is faster. I have no idea what this means, but it affects my internal dialogue to the point that I start to question my self worth for the majority of the day. But that won’t make me faster. They don’t measure fitness and self worth in the same scale and Boot Camp has made me stronger and faster, regardless of whatever the result is from the benchmark test. Just have to run faster next time.

Day 304 – tethers of leather

My soul sister and beautiful reflective friend, Zani, and I always had strips of leather and bracelets tied around our wrists and ankles. We sat on the island at Togat Nusa retreat one day talking about this and came up with the idea that we were trying to tether ourselves down. Being both typically flighty, airy, flower children, it was something grounding that seems to ties us down to the earth and keep us from floating away.

We are in the office all week so I can leave the pencil skirt at home today and wrap my limbs up in random strings and leather pieces. It is like coming home. This is how I usually look. The corporate gear feels like more of a costume than the native american head piece. I feel comfortable in the flowing shirt and thongs and I the little leather bands that remind me of myself. It is like tethering my real self to my projected self.

It’s not like I could ever hide the true self. She is kind of loud. And she likes bright colours.

Nothing keeps her tied down, but it is nice knowing that she is tied to me.

 

Day 305 – salt water cure-all

I can’t explain but I spend over an hour crying today. It is a necessary part of the growth to let go of the past which no longer serves us, but it seems that the ego is not ashamed to mourn its own death. Each layer that is peeled back to expose more truth and light is another layer left behind. There is no need to hide the tears or worry why they come. I just accept them now, as a necessary piece to the evolution. The salt water cure-all. Ocean. Tears. Saline solution (found in every first-aid kit).

 

Day 306 – yoga ideas

It is through a passing comment that I have a lightbulb moment. I am sending emails to Zani about Bali when I say that we should run a yoga retreat in Bali. Suddenly I wonder why the hell not? Everything amazing in this world would have started as an idea at some stage. It is a tiny seed that is planted. I start to look at myself and think, “Man, Liz, if you followed every idea that came into your head… Hang on a second. You usually do.” Actually if I didn’t follow all the whimsical ideas that pop into my mind I would not have had half of the experiences that I have had. I certainly wouldn’t be writing this. I wouldn’t have gone to India, or Mexico, or gone mountain climbing, or run the City 2 Surf. I camped in the f***king snow! A yoga retreat in Bali is not that far fetched! I love the way a good idea snow balls in your head and the only way to contain it is to take a pencil and an enormous piece of paper and use pictures and words to draw it all out… PLAYING IN THE LIGHT

 

Day 307 – moving

At the beginning of this year I was told by a numerologist that 2012 would be very restless for me, that there would be lots of moving about. So I am not surprised that I am moving. Again. Looking at how many times I have packed a suitcase this year from when I first left mum’s house to go to LA, to Mexico, to Sumatra, Bali, India, mum’s house, Coogee, back to mum’s house… I wonder if I should even unpack at the other end. I have grown more accustomed to zippers than to cupboards and Lonely Planet makes more sense than a bus timetable. Well, another shift, another change, another place to call home. But really, as long as I am with me, I am always home.

 

Day 308 – bend but do not break

Someone has locked the bottom door knob at the Coogee apartment; the one we never lock because I had the only key, which I lost. When the new flatmate comes home later than night, she is freaking out that she can’t get in and has to go to a friend’s house. I meet Krystle at the locked door in the morning. Five of us had planned to sleep in that place last night, but five of us have been locked out and forced to sleep in random couches, beds and floors of friends. We stare at the lock and then start to call people. One by one, all the girls get picked up and we return to the apartment. The locksmith would cost $155. My bedroom window is open, though it is mysteriously three stories up, despite Krystle’s room being street level. Coogee is a bit of a warped, hilly, magical place like that. Facebook, if nothing else, is the easiest way, I have found, to obtain a ladder, especially since a passing fire truck would not help. My friend, Pete, comes to the rescue and even climbs in for us. The new flatmate collects her stuff, takes her bond back and leaves. She can’t handle the stress and the chaos of living with us. (I wouldn’t even be living there!) But yes, there will be chaos because LIFE is chaos. You have to bend, not break. If I took off every time I got locked out of a place… I remember one month I locked myself out of my car THREE times! I had to get really tricky with a coat hanger. And another time I locked myself out of mum’s apartment with my dog, Lewis Carrol’s Alice Through the Looking Glass, a bottle of water, and a tub of watermelon. At the time I was kind of stressed because I was four hours late to work, but it was four hours of reading in the park with my dog, staying perfectly hydrated! The point being that locks will forever keep people out of their own homes and is just another piece of chaos to which I bend, but do not break. Plus it gave me a really good chance to catch up with my friend, Pete, who is extremely elusive. And who would have thought- he even got me hooked on a new leather tether supplier… BLACKRAG.

http://blackrag.com.au